It’s Whatever

Throughout my life, I have struggled with severe depression. I just felt that I didn’t measure up; that there was something wrong with me. Recently while sitting in my seemingly perpetual oblivion, I realized that I have been evaluating myself through what I think EVERYBODY ELSE finds acceptable. I’ve come to realize that one reason why I’ve been so troubled is more of an external thing than internal. Upon further evaluation of my self-image, I came to the realization that personally, I feel that I’m the illest individual on the planet Earth! This is what’s playing through my mind right now:

Never before has there been a Free Smith and after he’s gone there won’t be another. It’s not possible. I don’t mean to sound cocky, but I’ve yet to come across anybody like me. I’m quite a motherfucker. The closest match to me was called on by the Lord last year (R.I.P. Mom). I’m not saying that I’m greater than or less than she, but she was the person that I related to most on a mental level and our personalities were very close though I refused to accept it for a long time. I mean, come on. What son wants to say he’s like his mother? But she really understood me. She got me. It really hurts to have that support system removed so abruptly, but I got to keep it movin’.

I don’t fit into any category. I don’t think it’s possible. Nobody thinks the way I think. All this time, I’ve been critiquing myself through the eyes of society. My self-esteem has been in the dumps for this decade plus because of what everybody else thinks is hot in the streets. Deep down inside, there’s been a voice telling me that I beast the average bear in mental capacity (134 IQ) and that my wit, though dry, is above par.

I now can take pride in the fact that I’m compassionate. Go ahead. Call me pussy. Maybe I am. Everybody can’t be badder than ol’ King Kong and/or meaner than a junkyard dog. Gotta be some balance. I don’t like fighting. Shit, I don’t even like watching street fights. I don’t like arguments. Any form of confrontation makes me uncomfortable. A friend of mine once called me, Buddha because he saw this in me. I don’t want to be likened so directly to any divine being. That would be beyond disrespectful, but I’ll take the compliment.

I’m also generous. People will often overlook this in me. I spend most of my time lookin’ out for others doing the little things. People just take notice and put the asshole label on me when I actually show the anger that stays bottled up. No homo, but I love giving more than receiving. Well, maybe that’s not so homo, but you know what I’m saying. I get more of a kick out of doing something special/meaningful for somebody than somebody doing something for me. When I’m loaded. I think of ways to spread the wealth more than get shit for myself.

All this aside, I still feel like I’m on the outside looking in. The way I see it, I’m the most well-liked outcast in the history of existence. I am liked. I’m popular to some degree. A good example of this is one of my crowning achievements in life: being elected president sophomore class at Penncrest High School in 2000. I was president, but I wasn’t exactly “sitting at the cool table” status. I knew got along with everybody and laughed and joked with people, but I was a loner to some degree. I have always felt that people just look at me like, “Oh yeah. That’s just Ryan/Free/Big Daddy/etc.” I’m often ignored. One on one, people seem to take an interest in what I say, but in group settings, I’m brushed off, ignored and/or talked over. I’m disrespected a lot actually. Excluded at times. I don’t know if anybody is ridiculed so much. Yeah, I know y’all are out there laughin’ at me and talkin’ shit about me. I’m not exactly everyone’s first choice for company. A lot of people think that they’re clever and I don’t know what’s going on when I’m not around, but I’m well aware. I see the smirks. I hear the snickers. I detect the sarcasm. A lot of people think they’re a lot more clever than they actually are, but I love you regardless. And no, I’m not buggin’. I mean, I’m sorry if I want to talk about thoughts, ideas, try to explore why things are the way they are. I can’t really do the small, superficial talk. I don’t really operate like that. I also apologize if I don’t want to get into the ignance. I can’t really fully psyche myself into playing gangsta/Romeo/don. I’ll be a loser.

Yea. That’s it. This is my new mindset. I’m not good at closing out shit, so I’ll just let Sammy do it for me. Peace.


2 Responses to “It’s Whatever”

  1. That’s the best way to look at life brotha! DO YOU! F*ck everybody. Nobody cares about you until you can do something for them. That’s life. As long as ur focused on what you’re tryin to do, the RIGHT people will gravitate towards you. It’s pressure free. If u get a chance read “The Greatest Salesman” by Og Mandino. It had a big impact on me.

  2. Good introspective sh*t. Yeah, i agree. If you know that you’re a good dude then that’s what really matters. Once you know it, other people won’t have a choice but to figure it out or miss out.

    Life’s too short, might as well spend as much of it doing and being what makes you happy.

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